I’m pathetic. I know I am. The littlest things get so me so excited, so riled up.

I had a really shitty day today. A nice little melt down. Things were going just fantastic.

Then I saw Larry. And just a bunch of random, little, insignificant things happened. And they made my day.

To me, they were significant.

It’s 2:10am. I’m still doing work. I should be sleeping. Actually, I should be doing work. But here I am, writing.

Things have gotten better since my last post. Kelly has really helped me lately and things have taken a positive turn. This week is the big test for me though. I have two midterms (one being Chemistry which I’m scared to death of taking), several tests, several papers, and several presentations all happening or due sometime this week.

Tomorrow my new camera should be getting here. Saturday is the band’s trip to Canada. Next Tuesday is the beginning of Humans vs Zombies. Next Friday my friend Sarah is coming to visit. Next Sunday my friend Alexis is coming to visit. So many fun and awesome things are happening soon. I just have to survive this week.

I can do it.

First official post of the new school year. Bah. Now I remember why I never got around to posting last year.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. College. Homework. Work in general. Lack of sleep. Lack of free time. I definitely enjoyed my summer, and I definitely was not prepared for the return of classes. Today was the start of week three. And all hell is already breaking loose. I can feel the ‘can’t help its’ setting in. I was sick yesterday and today and that of course did not help.

I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. I can feel me slipping into the unmotivated state that plagued me so much last year. Hence the title of falling and crawling. I think I’ve already fallen into that state, but I haven’t quite stopped moving yet.

But I need some motivation. And surprisingly the usual stuff is not helping. Music. Friends. Sleeping. None of it. I just can’t get motivated to do the important things lately.

I went for a walk last night. I worried my roommate a lot, because I told her I just needed a walk alone and never commented on it again. When I came back after about an hour, she was getting ready to come find me.

I walked around for about an hour and a half. I went and sat in the stadium on the bleachers, then out in the middle of the field. Then I made my way to a bench by one of the lakes and just sat there, staring at the moon and stars.

I felt like crying but I wasn’t sure why. At first I thought maybe it was just something about Larry but then at the same time, I knew it wasn’t. At the same time I feel… inadiquate I guess. Maybe. I was frustrated with myself. About school. About my attitude. About how I’ve been living my life these past four weeks since I’ve moved in. Honestly I just wanted to call Larry and cry on his shoulder. Which is weird because this isn’t about my feelings for him. I mean not all of it. I’m sure my frustration with that situation is part of it. I don’t know.

Today I was sick and missed my classes. I slept straight until about two and then had bread for lunch while my roommate and I watched Ed, Edd, & Eddy and Family Guy. I managed to go to band but I didn’t feel like being there. I wasn’t really all there. Once one of my new friends, a freshman piccolo, showed up I felt a little better. She helped cheer me up. Larry also asked how I was feeling. I was rather shocked that he said something. So that made me emotionally feel a little better at least.

I can’t decide what I want to do right now. I’m exhausted but not in a fatigued sense but in a just plain tired sense. I slept after band though for four more hours. I haven’t done any homework and so I feel like I really should do some stuff. But at the same time, I just want to fall into bed. Bah.

Last night I told myself that I was going to start a new. Starting today I was going to change. Change my attitude. Change how I lived. Fix the things about me that I didn’t like, the things that I felt weren’t working. Ha. Easier said than done.

Today has just been a fantastic day and I felt like sharing! I woke up really well this morning, feeling really good. Even though it was hot outside during morning band camp practice, it was gorgeous out! No clouds, bright blue sky, slight breeze. Just wonderful. I had a few fun laughs with the other piccolos and we started running our drill and working things out. Also a bonus, Larry and I talked today! We haven’t really spoken since I got here but we had a nice conversation today. So that was awesome. Then during our lunch break my friends and I watched videos of a comedian, Russell Brand. He’s hilarious!! We were dying of laughter! Afternoon band practice went really well too. We played for just a bit as a large group (as an awesome plus, I can pretty much play now! Even the high notes!) and then we broke apart for sectionals, in which the piccolos relaxed in the shade and talked. Now we’re on dinner break and just hanging in the room. Psych is on tonight and I’m super excited! I’m in such a good mood from everything going so well today, it’s practically overflowing!

Well I’m moved into my new dorm and for the most part settled! Today was day three of band camp, and things are going pretty well overall I’d say. Just been very busy. It hasn’t even been a week and so many things have changed! And since I’m tired, it’s listing time!

Band. It’s marching band. I enjoy it. But at the same time, I want to smack my head into a wall. We started charting our first song today and it is going to be… interesting to say the least. All of our music this year is fast paced and thus our show will be as well (I like the music this year a lot better though). All of the new piccolos seem really nice and I’m working on making new friends!

Wisdom teeth. I’m still slowly recovering. I had sutures all on the back of my jaw as well as just the hole part, so it feels like someone’s punched me in the jaw on each side for good measure. I still can’t eat anything solid really well so I’m sticking to mashed potatoes, yogurt, applesauce, and pudding. I think some of my stitches actually dissolved today because suddenly it feels different. The pain isn’t too bad, I just keep it in check with some medications. I’m not on the strong stuff anymore. The new stuff though makes me dizzy. Well, more like it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. I can’t play piccolo which actually sucks because we have some fun parts in the music. Hopefully I will be able to get back to that and to eating soon.

Larry. Slightly sad news. He’s officially dating someone now. Oh wells. It’s not that I’m not interested, but like I said before, we’re barely friends. The way I figure it, there is still a chance. Things, if any, will take time, and I have plenty. On one hand though, I seem to be running into him a lot lately. I take it as a bonus dose of eye candy!

Dorm. Kelly and I are moved in and settled! Susie is coming tomorrow to visit and moves in Saturday (she quit band on us the pooper). I love having my own room! I feel like I have so much more room to move. And I can do what I want! I can have the temperature I want! I can open my window if I want! I love it! We each have our own rooms and then a common living room and bathroom. Kelly brought an awesome big fish tank which we have set up. It’s fantastic! We don’t have fish in it yet, but expect to hear about them soon!