First official post of the new school year. Bah. Now I remember why I never got around to posting last year.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. College. Homework. Work in general. Lack of sleep. Lack of free time. I definitely enjoyed my summer, and I definitely was not prepared for the return of classes. Today was the start of week three. And all hell is already breaking loose. I can feel the ‘can’t help its’ setting in. I was sick yesterday and today and that of course did not help.
I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. I can feel me slipping into the unmotivated state that plagued me so much last year. Hence the title of falling and crawling. I think I’ve already fallen into that state, but I haven’t quite stopped moving yet.
But I need some motivation. And surprisingly the usual stuff is not helping. Music. Friends. Sleeping. None of it. I just can’t get motivated to do the important things lately.
I went for a walk last night. I worried my roommate a lot, because I told her I just needed a walk alone and never commented on it again. When I came back after about an hour, she was getting ready to come find me.
I walked around for about an hour and a half. I went and sat in the stadium on the bleachers, then out in the middle of the field. Then I made my way to a bench by one of the lakes and just sat there, staring at the moon and stars.
I felt like crying but I wasn’t sure why. At first I thought maybe it was just something about Larry but then at the same time, I knew it wasn’t. At the same time I feel… inadiquate I guess. Maybe. I was frustrated with myself. About school. About my attitude. About how I’ve been living my life these past four weeks since I’ve moved in. Honestly I just wanted to call Larry and cry on his shoulder. Which is weird because this isn’t about my feelings for him. I mean not all of it. I’m sure my frustration with that situation is part of it. I don’t know.
Today I was sick and missed my classes. I slept straight until about two and then had bread for lunch while my roommate and I watched Ed, Edd, & Eddy and Family Guy. I managed to go to band but I didn’t feel like being there. I wasn’t really all there. Once one of my new friends, a freshman piccolo, showed up I felt a little better. She helped cheer me up. Larry also asked how I was feeling. I was rather shocked that he said something. So that made me emotionally feel a little better at least.
I can’t decide what I want to do right now. I’m exhausted but not in a fatigued sense but in a just plain tired sense. I slept after band though for four more hours. I haven’t done any homework and so I feel like I really should do some stuff. But at the same time, I just want to fall into bed. Bah.
Last night I told myself that I was going to start a new. Starting today I was going to change. Change my attitude. Change how I lived. Fix the things about me that I didn’t like, the things that I felt weren’t working. Ha. Easier said than done.
