I had a really shitty day today. A nice little melt down. Things were going just fantastic.

Then I saw Larry. And just a bunch of random, little, insignificant things happened. And they made my day.

To me, they were significant.

Things have gotten better since my last post. Kelly has really helped me lately and things have taken a positive turn. This week is the big test for me though. I have two midterms (one being Chemistry which I’m scared to death of taking), several tests, several papers, and several presentations all happening or due sometime this week.

Tomorrow my new camera should be getting here. Saturday is the band’s trip to Canada. Next Tuesday is the beginning of Humans vs Zombies. Next Friday my friend Sarah is coming to visit. Next Sunday my friend Alexis is coming to visit. So many fun and awesome things are happening soon. I just have to survive this week.

I can do it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. College. Homework. Work in general. Lack of sleep. Lack of free time. I definitely enjoyed my summer, and I definitely was not prepared for the return of classes. Today was the start of week three. And all hell is already breaking loose. I can feel the ‘can’t help its’ setting in. I was sick yesterday and today and that of course did not help.

I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. I can feel me slipping into the unmotivated state that plagued me so much last year. Hence the title of falling and crawling. I think I’ve already fallen into that state, but I haven’t quite stopped moving yet.

But I need some motivation. And surprisingly the usual stuff is not helping. Music. Friends. Sleeping. None of it. I just can’t get motivated to do the important things lately.

I went for a walk last night. I worried my roommate a lot, because I told her I just needed a walk alone and never commented on it again. When I came back after about an hour, she was getting ready to come find me.

I walked around for about an hour and a half. I went and sat in the stadium on the bleachers, then out in the middle of the field. Then I made my way to a bench by one of the lakes and just sat there, staring at the moon and stars.

I felt like crying but I wasn’t sure why. At first I thought maybe it was just something about Larry but then at the same time, I knew it wasn’t. At the same time I feel… inadiquate I guess. Maybe. I was frustrated with myself. About school. About my attitude. About how I’ve been living my life these past four weeks since I’ve moved in. Honestly I just wanted to call Larry and cry on his shoulder. Which is weird because this isn’t about my feelings for him. I mean not all of it. I’m sure my frustration with that situation is part of it. I don’t know.

Today I was sick and missed my classes. I slept straight until about two and then had bread for lunch while my roommate and I watched Ed, Edd, & Eddy and Family Guy. I managed to go to band but I didn’t feel like being there. I wasn’t really all there. Once one of my new friends, a freshman piccolo, showed up I felt a little better. She helped cheer me up. Larry also asked how I was feeling. I was rather shocked that he said something. So that made me emotionally feel a little better at least.

I can’t decide what I want to do right now. I’m exhausted but not in a fatigued sense but in a just plain tired sense. I slept after band though for four more hours. I haven’t done any homework and so I feel like I really should do some stuff. But at the same time, I just want to fall into bed. Bah.

Last night I told myself that I was going to start a new. Starting today I was going to change. Change my attitude. Change how I lived. Fix the things about me that I didn’t like, the things that I felt weren’t working. Ha. Easier said than done.

Band. It’s marching band. I enjoy it. But at the same time, I want to smack my head into a wall. We started charting our first song today and it is going to be… interesting to say the least. All of our music this year is fast paced and thus our show will be as well (I like the music this year a lot better though). All of the new piccolos seem really nice and I’m working on making new friends!

Wisdom teeth. I’m still slowly recovering. I had sutures all on the back of my jaw as well as just the hole part, so it feels like someone’s punched me in the jaw on each side for good measure. I still can’t eat anything solid really well so I’m sticking to mashed potatoes, yogurt, applesauce, and pudding. I think some of my stitches actually dissolved today because suddenly it feels different. The pain isn’t too bad, I just keep it in check with some medications. I’m not on the strong stuff anymore. The new stuff though makes me dizzy. Well, more like it feels like I’m on a roller coaster. I can’t play piccolo which actually sucks because we have some fun parts in the music. Hopefully I will be able to get back to that and to eating soon.

Larry. Slightly sad news. He’s officially dating someone now. Oh wells. It’s not that I’m not interested, but like I said before, we’re barely friends. The way I figure it, there is still a chance. Things, if any, will take time, and I have plenty. On one hand though, I seem to be running into him a lot lately. I take it as a bonus dose of eye candy!

Dorm. Kelly and I are moved in and settled! Susie is coming tomorrow to visit and moves in Saturday (she quit band on us the pooper). I love having my own room! I feel like I have so much more room to move. And I can do what I want! I can have the temperature I want! I can open my window if I want! I love it! We each have our own rooms and then a common living room and bathroom. Kelly brought an awesome big fish tank which we have set up. It’s fantastic! We don’t have fish in it yet, but expect to hear about them soon!

Almost all packed to leave Saturday. Just a few little things left. I’ve gotten really excited lately as I lie on the couch trying to fall asleep. I’ve figured out how I want my room and what not. Now to just move in!

Marching band will be interesting too, because there is no way I can play piccolo right now. Oh wells. Right now, I really don’t care.

Things have been great. We’ve been talking, watching movies, and just generally hanging with one another. We’ve had some interesting experiences cooking as well. We flipped through photo albums and saw pictures from all through elementary school. It was great. I miss being with them like we used to be. I also stopped at my old house, and where my old elementary school once stood. They tore it down shortly after I left and now it’s been converted into an unkempt park. It’s strange being there, strange the school not being there.

It’s just strange in general that we’re all going into another year of college. Today’s my friends 21st birthday and we had a celebratory going out and buying liquor. Just the fact that I’ve known her since we were eight, it’s strange. Amazing though, absolutely amazing.

We’ve been talking about everything and they’ve really helped me lately. I’ve decided to go ahead with my current Forensic Biology major. Mainly because this is the first year that I get to do an actual forensics class. I’ll see how it goes, how I enjoy it, and then make my decision. I’ve watched some Dr. G Medical Examiner too, and that’s given me some excitement again too. And then if after this first fall quarter, if it’s not working, I’m going to switch. To what I haven’t yet decided. That’s something I’m still thinking on. I am still interested in becoming a medical examiner, in doing forensics. Certain things still excite me to no end. So we shall see after this fall.

So things are just going fantastically now! I’m excited about moving in next week (I’ve accepted this weirdness about Larry, but I’m just going to be myself, be friendly, and enjoy seeing everyone again and not focus on him. If things don’t work out, oh wells, no big deal). I cannot wait to get settled in. I’m still a little nervous about classes (mainly Chemistry) but my friends are going to help and I’m going to do my best! Goodbye closet pessimist, the optimist is back!

Some family issues came up today. My brother got into some trouble with my mother. I don’t know it just made me wonder, is he acting the way he is, doing the things that he’s doing, because I haven’t been around to watch over him like I used to? I don’t know… I just feel like maybe I’ve failed a little on the sister front. We’re not that close. I mean, if anything, we’ve become closer this summer because I’ve changed a lot this past school year, I’ve learned a lot about myself. But in general we don’t talk about things together. He doesn’t come to me with his worries, his fears, his troubles. I only know about the trouble he’s gotten himself into because my mother told me. So I keep turning the thought over in my head. Could I have done more as a sister? I used to be so protective over him. What happened?

I think it’s weird to say, but I don’t remember growing up much. I mean, I have some choice memories from when I was younger. But I had to ask my mother if I was alienating to my little brother when I hit puberty. I didn’t remember. Turns out, I did alienate him. And now with everything that’s been happening, I wonder, have I just now stopped alienating him? Has the protective older sister come back in me because my little brother is in trouble, and because I’ve grown up?

My own future I’ve been questioning as well. Seeing all of my friends here at home has really made me think. All of my friends are in some sort of artsy major. Many are actually continuing theatre. Hearing them talk about it makes me wonder if I made the right decision choosing Forensic Biology. Do I really want to be a medical examiner? Do I want to work hard throughout the rest of my undergraduate years only to go to medical school? Somewhere that ever since I was little, I swore I never wanted to go. I never wanted to be a doctor. I’ve heard horror stories all my life from my dad. And honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care about doing IVs, I don’t care about diseases that cripple a person (I mean this in an education sense, not that I don’t care about those people at all). I mean, I am interested in the medical examiner things but… I miss doing theatre. I miss taking photos for yearbook. I miss my dreams of being a teacher. I’ve dabbled in so much throughout high school that I’m wondering… do I really know what I want to do with my life? Did I make the decision that I want to stick with?

And Larry. Bah. I don’t know why I can’t get him off my mind lately. Well actually, I have a good guess as to why. My friends are so supportive, giving me advice, wanting to know everyday if I talked to him, how things are going. And I’ve been seeing many friends for the first time this summer, so they ask questions. So he comes up a lot in conversation. And then this past Friday I saw Marshall. It was… awkward. I mean, he wasn’t mean or anything. But he had two friends over (mutual friends between us) and almost seemed to be avoiding me. I felt out of the loop and I’ll admit it hurt my feelings. And then I’m talking to Larry and he says a few, generally nice comments and I’m all in a tizzy. But when I think about it now, contemplating everything, it’s all in my head. I mean, Larry and I are friends. And yes, I’m interested in taking it somewhere, but our whole friendship has been built on Facebook chat sessions! Those generally nice comments, are just that, generally nice comments! So he’s a nice, decent guy! That’s all they really show. I can’t decide whether some can be taken flirty or not. But in general, the things that get me happiest are the simple, nice things he says.

I’m scared to death about how things are going to go once I finally see him again, in person, in just a week and a half. I haven’t been this nervous about a guy since when I met Marshall… maybe not even then. This is similar to before Marshall… this was how I was about William (whom I know, I’ve never mentioned before, for good reason…). How can I be so nervous and so worried when honestly we barely know each other? And yet I go over it again and again in my head. And this stuff with my brother starts and I just want to tell someone, talk to someone, ask these same questions I have above, and my first thought is Larry. And I see my friends and start questioning my future, and my first thought is who could I talk to about it; Larry. This little crush of mine, seeing him walk by as I stayed an unknown stranger, the little conversations that just made my day and I moved on, they’ve suddenly become so much more. I don’t know why… I don’t think seeing Marshall is the reason for all of it. I don’t know how my friends at college feel about my feelings for Larry, only a few of them even know about it. I don’t want to freak him out but honestly, right now I just want a big hug from him, his arms around me in a protective hug, to hear his voice, and calm down a bit from everything right now. But God, that sounds so pathetic! Never have I been so dependent on a male before! Never! Normally it’s my mother I go to with things like this!

A friend of mine recently started blogging as well (check it out, the link is in the right hand column: The Unfinished Symphony of a Dreamer) and her first post was a rant… well no, not a rant. A… questioning on love and its feelings and the word love. At first as I read it I just thought what she was saying was interesting. But as I’ve thought about it lately… I think I’m on the same page as her. I just don’t understand any of this. I thought I did. I thought I had a good grasp on what I wanted, what I expected from life. I had minor plans, but nothing major. I have my beliefs on love, on marriage. But all of this lately… I don’t know its just… I feel like this person isn’t me. I don’t know this person now, who doesn’t know how she feels. I’ve always been very clear on my emotions, sitting down, thinking things through, and coming to a decision. So this person now I don’t… I don’t think I know her. I mean, I know I like Larry. But why do I care so much about it all? I barely know him. We’re only friends. I’ve actually only spoken a handful of words with him. I doubt he knew who I was (at the time I had just learned his name) and it was about school business. I needed to get a payment in. And that’s the extent of our spoken relationship. Otherwise it’s all through Facebook, and I’m always the one starting the conversations and keeping them going. Hell, thats barely a friendship…

Ha, I meant this to be a quick short post. And guess what? There’s more. Yep. My dad’s job has had me thinking lately too. I’m just too tired now, and this is way too long.

Needless to say, I’ve had some troubles falling to sleep lately, with all of this buzzing in my head. Hell, typing this all out, thinking about it as I type… it just gives me a headache. Goodnight world. Maybe the world of my dreams can give me some answers.

1. JulNoWriMo: Well, in the end I was not able to get the 10,000 words I still needed before my friends arrived. But I’m proud with what I did get done. The first draft of my book is almost done and my goal is to finish it before classes start in September. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes. If things don’t look too busy for me, I plan on doing NaNoWriMo as well. But I have finals then, and I’m taking Chemistry this year, so we’ll see.

2. Friends: It’s been a whirlwind of get togethers the past two weeks! Everyone is getting ready to leave to go wherever, and thus we’re all having final get togethers to say goodbyes and party it up. I’m actually going to Indiana this Wednesday to visit some friends I haven’t seen since last year. It’s all been a blast, and a little sad. Many of my friends are close though, so we’re already trying to make plans to visit one another during school!

3. Packing: It’s begun, the packing for college. I leave next weekend to move in. Band camp begins. So thus my room is in disarray as I pull together everything I’m taking and move stuff off of the bookshelves I’m bringing. It’s weird packing things up. Even though I don’t leave until next week, since I’m going to Indiana for almost a week and then I get my wisdom teeth out (joy) I won’t have much time to get things together. Plus Momma is freaking out, so I might as well pack it all together now.

4. Larry: Is it just me, or was Larry flirting with me last time we talked? I haven’t decided. I’ve asked some close friends and no one is sure either. Basically what he said could be taken in a flirty way or a serious way. So I’m worried I’m reading into it too much. But then what if I’m not? Bah! I should just stop thinking about it in general (As a side note, all of my friends think I should go for it and see where it leads me, so onto a serious pursuit I go!).

5.  Hannah: Hannah just got back from basic training for the army! It was so fantastic to see her! We had a fun sleepover that involved moon bouncing, super chocolate chips, The Nanny (my new favorite show), talking, and the purchasing of Nerf guns for Humans vs Zombies (HvZ) that we both plan to participate in. The army didn’t change her much, if anything she’s just more bad ass (and she was pretty bad ass to begin with!).

6. Cedar Point Visit: My friends from college came up and visited a few weeks ago. It was fantastic! We went to Cedar Point and had a blast. We probably road the water rapids ride six or seven times. It was so much fun seeing them all again. We also played some Pokemon and had some wild midnight adventures that involved Michigan, speed bumps, and a haunted bridge! I can’t wait to move back in and see everyone!

Luckily Kelly and Susie are both doing JulNo. I think Kelly kind of gave up, because she realized what she was working on wasn’t going to reach 50k, and she wasn’t interested in writing something else. She isn’t a fan of writing long pieces of works. I’m surprised she even did JulNo in the first place. Kelly on the other hand is at 48,000. She did NaNoWriMo this past year too and finished.

So we’re probably going to be writing together. The only problem with that is I need total focus to get stuff done, otherwise it takes me forever to write. I have to get up earlyish again tomorrow because my brother has a doctor’s appointment, so hopefully after I take him I can finish cleaning, and then write some before they arrive. They won’t get here until 5:30 or 6:00pm, so hopefully that gives me enough time.

Alrighty, off to bed with me. Good night world, talk to you again soon.